I recently had the chance to sit in on a workshop called “Loving
Our Neighbors and Enemies: Writing toward Reconciliation,” led by the dynamic
author and speaker Leslie Leyland Fields. Her balanced approach to
addressing forgiveness within the context of broken relationships gave me an
enthusiasm to read her book.
Leslie is the author of the recently released Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers from
Thomas Nelson Publishers, a wonderful and inspirational book for us all, presenting
stories of broken relationships between parents and their children, including
her own estranged relationship from her father. Each example tells the story of
someone who made the arduous journey back to a difficult parent and found
relief.
Leslie is one of the fortunate ones. She has escaped the
generational hold of broken parents and gone on to have a successful marriage,
family and career. By all appearances, she and her siblings care deeply for
each other and remain bonded together. Her whole and productive life appears to
be the result of her choice to forego bitterness, anger and hatred over her
father and to choose the way of peace and forgiveness. She details these
learned lessons and this journey throughout the book. Co-author and clinical
psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard asks: “Have you ever wondered why certain people
who have horrendous life stories appear to rise above their pain, while others
with comparatively milder sorrows endlessly struggle and anguish?” Leslie is
the example of someone rising above her pains.
Commandments that torments anyone who, both has a broken relationship with a
parent, and wants to honor God:
“Honor your father and mother” Exodus 20:12. How difficult it is for many sons
and daughters to honor a parent who is without honor, yet her book highlights people
who achieved the task.
to forgive parents who remain broken until the end of their lives. In her own
case, her father never managed to say the words she longed to hear, or become
the engaged parent she and her siblings hoped for all their lives. He remained
broken and their relationship remained one-sided. But Leslie walked away free,
knowing she had been obedient to God in this area, that she had offered
forgiveness.
chapter. Discussion questions follow, making this an excellent book for a small
group study. Dr. Hubbard’s sections are helpful – and necessary – for anyone
whose estranged relationship remained estranged because she introduces the idea
that not all relationships end in two-sided reconciliation. When I read stories
like the ones found in Leslie’s book, I always look for the nugget that
resembles my story, a story with no
reconciliation, but one with the peace and the fruit of forgiveness, despite my
mother’s desire to never heal what broke between us. Dr. Hubbard reminds us that
reconciliation is not always possible despite achieving forgiveness to a person because reconciliation involves two people – and often, boundaries remain necessary in unhealthy
relationships.
Leslie’s call for us all to move beyond a selfish and individual forgiveness to
forgiveness that will heal the brokenness of our world. She encourages us all
to practice forgiveness beyond our families, but beginning with our families: “Clearly as a nation, within our
families there is much to be forgiven. If we are to thrive as human beings, if
our countries and our communities are to prosper, if our families are to
flourish, we will need to learn and practice ways of forgiving those who have
had the greatest impact upon us: our mothers and fathers.”
situations, but forgiveness is still a possibility – and making the attempt to
reconcile is worth the effort, despite the end results. Her challenge is a hard one, her standard
high. But Forgiving Our Fathers and
Mothers provides a much-needed message for a culture so desperately in need
of healing in our relationships.